Taking out the Trash

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life…. trusted the wrong
people (family) -loved the wrong men - too many to count (get you mind
out of the gutter I said loved not made love to) – hurt those who
didn’t deserve my wrath (again too many to count) – pushed away those
who tried to tear down the walls of my self-imposed prison!

Being a broken child - a confused and lonely adolescent – a wounded
young lady and finally (at least to this point) a less bitter, hopeful
and wiser middle aged woman. I find that I can no long assess blame for
my short comings on my insane mother and her many war crimes – that
those who abandoned me did so for their own sanity after foolishly
trying to restore mine for me – that I blew probably the one healthy
relationship and my chance at true love because I was the worlds
biggest chicken shit (either that or it was so long ago my old age only
allows the good memories to filter through)

I have smiled to hide the pain – raged against the world when I was
frightened – and locked away the remaining fragments of my heart and
soul believing that in doing so all pain would cease. I am a master of
illusion never letting anyone close enough to see the real me, finding
fault in others before they could see my own. My brother learned to
lick his wounds through religion and denial, my sister was outwardly
angry at the world (and a master bar brawler to boot) for my other
siblings I cannot attest I never knew them well (there are 3 others out
there somewhere). Harboring no ill feelings to any of them (though none
of us speak to each other) we all heal and deal the best we can.

I have discovered that no longer does apathy serve me. I moved past
forgiveness long ago (at least I thought I had) but forgiving someone
doesn’t stop the pain – or erase the memories (what few I still have –
thanks for the head injury Skeeter) in some sense it gave me this sense
of superiority – the whole “I’m the better person I FORGAVE YOU” schtick.
Yet I still believed that I had taken care of the whole forgiveness
thing! WELLLLLLL I guess I was wrong! (I am sure it won’t be the last
time) SO here it is. I am taking out the trash once and for all –
moving forward with my life and no longer are you responsible for the
evil in it – it is my life – my time – any mistakes or damage I do from
this point forward are of my own doing.

I forgive you for robbing me of my childhood – I forgive you for
allowing a monster into our home and into my bed – I forgive you all
the scars – the emotional ones the mental ones and even the physical
ones that will for now and always be my survival badge! – I forgive you
for leaving me as a small child to defend myself against the insane one
– I forgive you for never seeing that I was doing the best I could to
be the wife/daughter/sister/mother that you wanted me to be - but I had no one to emulate no teacher no

support and when I fell on my face you  rejoiced in my failure –
for that I not only forgive you but I forgive myself. I forgive you for
stealing my son – I forgive you for allowing him to be taken away from
me far to early. For everything I forgive you and I also forgive
MYSELF!!

No longer will I hide in shame – no more will I stuff the entire
contents of my refrigerator in my mouth to substitute for all that is
missing – While I freely absolve you of your crimes against me I will
never welcome you and your toxic minions into my life again. The
cleansing starts now right here this very moment not only will put
healthy things in my body – it is time to start putting healthy things
back in my soul- my heart will mend – I am taking down the walls,
albeit slowly, and the sun will shine on my face once more! The power
is mine now – it is high time I absolved you of the right to have any
power whatsoever over my or my life – it’s mine and I am claiming it
now and forever! (My final karmic disclaimer – I wish you and your
fiendish followers, all well far – far - FAR away from me!)