Late Night Epiphanies

I have begun the process of transferring some of my old postings from other sites. More for myself than anything else. I enjoy looking back over things that I have written in the past to see where I've been and sometimes just how far I've come :)

There are those times, when I am lying awake at night in my bed reading or watching the television wondering if it is too late to take a sleep aid or I should try and get by on the 3 or so hours of sleep my chronic insomnia may so graciously allow me, that I sometimes have those little ah ha moments that seem to, in my sleep deprived state seem to make sense. Take tonight for instance, having put down  Shakespeare’s Sonnets and opted for some late night telly I found myself watching yet another episode of Sex in the City. Now it might have been the sonnets or watching yet another angst filled episode of the life of Carrie Bradshaw that sparked this latest reflection on my ever-evolving life, one can never really be sure at one in the morning.  After watching the girls re-enact a scene from Love Story and Carrie so bravely walk away from Big the words that she narrated at the end seemed to resonate in my mind-as she passed the surrey horse who was fighting his bit she has an epiphany – she didn’t break him, he was never able to break her – and that maybe she was destined to run free till someone just as wild could run with her. Pretty deep stuff in the middle of the night (said very tongue in cheek) all the same it got me to thinking. Now I don’t presume to know what thoughts wander through the minds of other single folk, especially because I always thought of myself as less than normal with a well lets just say quirky way of seeing things. Tonight however, as I listened to the final soliloquy it all became so clear (remember folks sleep deprived) in all the years of being single I just haven’t found someone as wild as me to run with. Albeit, my definition of wild vs. someone else’s is most likely quite different, while I enjoy spontaneity and a jovial good time I would hardly classify myself as wild. Complicated, different, at times a royal pain in the arse yes I would own up to all those, wild for me these days is adding marsh-mellow cream to my chocolate ice cream, running in the fountains (pick one Kansas City is loaded with them) or a last minute road trip (or flight to the UK) but really what was running through my mind all this time was could I really stand someone as “wild” as me? It really is a bit of a mute point I haven’t been out on a date in years. But it brought to mind a conversation I was having with a single family member the other night whose love life is much like mine (that being extinct) we pondered how does one begin again? I spend upwards of 50 hours a week on a university campus surrounded by 20 somethings and professors all of which are married or teach classes that I take and therefore persona non grata, I can see myself as eharmony type of gal, I’m a bit too old fashioned for that. So then I asked myself what was I to do? Truth be told there is no answer I am a firm believer that when things are meant to happen they happen, usually not in my time (which tends to really peeve me) but always at the right time. I have a great life, and for the first time in many  many years I am quite content and happy!  Still it was an interesting thought when I started writing …..so what do you think about at night when you are lying awake??

Your words cut deeper than you think…

Have you ever stopped to think that what you say to another person even in jest has deeper and longer lasting consequences?
Did it ever occur to you that when you make broad sweeping statements without considering your audience you are inflicting emotional pain on a fellow human being?
This is not one of those it’s time to be more politically correct pieces…quite frankly I think we have PC’d this world into quite a mess. But that is a story for another day. No today boys and girls I want to talk about just being more aware of the damage we do ever time we open our mouths and spew bile or senseless crap!
I know you are thinking that something had to have set this off …and well you would be right! Actually it is a list of things but with out pointing fingers or naming names I will do my best to address a few of them and I guess expose a bit more of me! (Warning it isn’t all pretty)
I woke up this morning later than usual and just couldn’t seem to get my day going…I got up had a nice breakfast and still couldn’t seem to get myself motivated to kick off my day—so after watching a couple of the Inspector Lindley episodes, I decided to take a book to bed thinking that I would fall asleep reading and wake up in a better frame of mind –6 hours later – I woke in the same funk but with a bit clearer mind. I started examining what was going on in my life that was causing this near paralysis and it dawned on me that I have a presentation coming up – it is time to present my research – or what there is of it anyway. Once again I am to stand before those I respect and admire and say “look what I did” something that usually makes me feel like, what I imagine, a hopeful young child showing their first school art project to his/her loving parents feels like. Since I have become a university student I have yet to be let down…I get loads of praise and support and more constructive criticism that I sometimes want but it never really hurts for I know that the people dolling it out believe in me for some strange reason. For those of you who have been following my journey you know that I struggle with esteem issues (I know who doesn’t right)
But there was something different this time …something that felt different. Then like someone had unlocked the flood gates it hit me… the what is it all for question. Why am I bothering to do this…who am I fooling I’m not good enough…I’m not smart enough. Toxic thoughts that I had managed, or so I believed, to silence some time ago came rushing to my mind …and then like a life preserver my rational mind kicked in (with a little help from Miss Parker on the Pretender – I know strange right) For sometime now I have been letting toxins slowly creep back into my world…not just in the form of food which accounts for my weight struggle but in the form of messages from those who are friends and co-workers… and I have allowed it.
Seven years ago when I freed myself from the toxic hell that was my previous life I vowed to not allow myself to be poisoned again…and to a fair degree I have succeeded. In the beginning I cut myself off from everyone I had no friends I didn’t socialize with co-workers and I didn’t speak to the tattered remains of my family. I more or less withdrew into the quite safety of my home and healed. I needed the solitude…but as we all know that can’t last forever (even though at times I wish it would) no I had to re-enter life and I have but here is where I think I have slipped up…made a mistake or just become too lax.
I have allowed the messages and toxic behavior of others to infect my life again…but this isn’t the abusive cruel toxic sludge… no this is the sneaky odorless gas that creeps into our lives and before we know it we are paralyzed within our own mind once again.
So here we go…. the purge is on!
When you sent me the yellow ribbon letter and said that I was a heartless so in so if I didn’t forward it on.
Did you ever stop to wonder that as a veteran of more than just a military war that I like so many other war wounded (not just physically) have more heart that those of you who send out these silly things but never served a day in your life? That I don’t need a ribbon or tag or email to remind me daily what those who serve in the armed forces face in war and so called peace time?
When you said you believed all women who got pregnant out of wed-lock and put their children up for adoption were shameful and irresponsible.
It cut like a knife…you may not have meant to hurt me I know you didn’t know that 20 years ago I found myself pregnant. That I chose to give that child up for adoption – not for any noble cause just because it is what my heart told me to do.  But not one day ever goes by that I don’t think about that choice and wonder if I did the right thing.

When you said that all I needed to do was dumb myself down a bit and men would be interested…that I only need loose a bit of weight and I would have loads of dates.
I know you were trying to be supportive. But after a life time of being told I am stupid I could never hide what I have worked so hard to achieve—I am a bright woman while I may not be a rocket scientist I am not stupid nor will I ever play at being stupid.
As to my weight…well I will never be a supermodel and I will someday be completely ok when I look in the mirror. But I have to find that balance between loving food and wanting to be thin-ish! But any man who can only see the size of my waist as a reason to meet or not meet me or who is threatened by a woman who can talk about more than the weather or latest sale at Macy’s well I don’t know that I really want to meet him either.
When you jokingly said that I would never be a good catch, that no man would want me.
Why didn’t you just shoot me where I stood…now don’t go getting all noble and thinking that “you don’t need a man to complete you” Because I call BULLSHIT – I will now and forever be a work in progress and no man will ever complete me (nor you I suspect – or woman should that be the case) But the thought of spending the rest of my life on this path alone well that is quite sad to me. I don’t know that I believe in “soul-mates” but one thing I do know is that I miss having someone’s arms around me when I watch a sad movie, that when I come home at the end of the day good or bad I always loved having someone there to share that with – and more than anything I miss waking up in the morning to the warm secure feeling that there is one other person in this world that understands the way I think and that even if they don’t always understand they at least love me anyway. There are many small things that I miss about having a man in my life…but never mistake my lack of one for not wanting one…I just have higher standards these days is all.
So from this moment forward I vow to speak up (not lash out) when my feelings are dinged…to shield myself form the build up of negative energy and toxins in my heart, mind, body and soul.
We don’t have to see eye to eye but we don’t have to hurt each other either!

Taking out the Trash

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life…. trusted the wrong
people (family) -loved the wrong men - too many to count (get you mind
out of the gutter I said loved not made love to) – hurt those who
didn’t deserve my wrath (again too many to count) – pushed away those
who tried to tear down the walls of my self-imposed prison!

Being a broken child - a confused and lonely adolescent – a wounded
young lady and finally (at least to this point) a less bitter, hopeful
and wiser middle aged woman. I find that I can no long assess blame for
my short comings on my insane mother and her many war crimes – that
those who abandoned me did so for their own sanity after foolishly
trying to restore mine for me – that I blew probably the one healthy
relationship and my chance at true love because I was the worlds
biggest chicken shit (either that or it was so long ago my old age only
allows the good memories to filter through)

I have smiled to hide the pain – raged against the world when I was
frightened – and locked away the remaining fragments of my heart and
soul believing that in doing so all pain would cease. I am a master of
illusion never letting anyone close enough to see the real me, finding
fault in others before they could see my own. My brother learned to
lick his wounds through religion and denial, my sister was outwardly
angry at the world (and a master bar brawler to boot) for my other
siblings I cannot attest I never knew them well (there are 3 others out
there somewhere). Harboring no ill feelings to any of them (though none
of us speak to each other) we all heal and deal the best we can.

I have discovered that no longer does apathy serve me. I moved past
forgiveness long ago (at least I thought I had) but forgiving someone
doesn’t stop the pain – or erase the memories (what few I still have –
thanks for the head injury Skeeter) in some sense it gave me this sense
of superiority – the whole “I’m the better person I FORGAVE YOU” schtick.
Yet I still believed that I had taken care of the whole forgiveness
thing! WELLLLLLL I guess I was wrong! (I am sure it won’t be the last
time) SO here it is. I am taking out the trash once and for all –
moving forward with my life and no longer are you responsible for the
evil in it – it is my life – my time – any mistakes or damage I do from
this point forward are of my own doing.

I forgive you for robbing me of my childhood – I forgive you for
allowing a monster into our home and into my bed – I forgive you all
the scars – the emotional ones the mental ones and even the physical
ones that will for now and always be my survival badge! – I forgive you
for leaving me as a small child to defend myself against the insane one
– I forgive you for never seeing that I was doing the best I could to
be the wife/daughter/sister/mother that you wanted me to be - but I had no one to emulate no teacher no

support and when I fell on my face you  rejoiced in my failure –
for that I not only forgive you but I forgive myself. I forgive you for
stealing my son – I forgive you for allowing him to be taken away from
me far to early. For everything I forgive you and I also forgive
MYSELF!!

No longer will I hide in shame – no more will I stuff the entire
contents of my refrigerator in my mouth to substitute for all that is
missing – While I freely absolve you of your crimes against me I will
never welcome you and your toxic minions into my life again. The
cleansing starts now right here this very moment not only will put
healthy things in my body – it is time to start putting healthy things
back in my soul- my heart will mend – I am taking down the walls,
albeit slowly, and the sun will shine on my face once more! The power
is mine now – it is high time I absolved you of the right to have any
power whatsoever over my or my life – it’s mine and I am claiming it
now and forever! (My final karmic disclaimer – I wish you and your
fiendish followers, all well far – far - FAR away from me!)

It was just one of those things

There are times when I am painfully aware that I am alone…
Sitting on my love seat last night all comfy and cozy I had just settled in, with my tea next to me made just the way I like, it my favorite soft blanket, my faithful hound curled up in my lap, and my book when I realized that my glasses were across the room.
After trying all the silly incantations I could remember from the Harry Potter books (hey anything is worth a try when the dog is comfy) I realized that no one but me was going to get up and walk across the room and get those silly things.  It was at that moment that I realized – wow I am alone! Now I know what you are thinking I have lived alone for many MANY years now and I would venture to say that 98% of the time I prefer it that way. I mean lets face it … I have to clean up after no one other than myself, I don’t have wrestle for the remote, I get to watch what I want to watch on the telly, it is quite when I want it to be, no one steals the covers at night when I am cold and seriously this list could go on and on and on… I used to joke with my friends that should I ever get married that I would probably have to live in a twin home—him on his side and me on mine! I like my space that much REALLY!
HOWEVER, there are those times when I realize that maybe my life choices aren’t all they are cracked up to be. That sometimes it would be nice to have someone there when you are presented with an award for your writing—to jump up and down with when you are published for the first time. Someone who will be there when you present your research and sit in the front row and smile because they know you are scared to death.  Someone to bring you tea when you are sick or sit next to you when you have had a bad day and listen, or who will laugh with you when you do silly things. Yes sometimes I think that would be nice…then again maybe I just really wanted to not have to get up and get my glasses!

The City of London and Murphy's Law

Day 1 Lesson 1
Things one should know (but are not told) prior to a research junket to another country. FIRST is that all your id must have your current address on it
I showed up at the British Library bright and early this morning with my cup of tea in hand and queued up with the rest of eager people waiting to enter the hallowed halls of this massive and extremely overwhelming institution. One of the first things I noticed was that unlike Kansas City those waiting to get into the building actually wanted to be in the building for some legitimate reason unlike the homeless people who seem to make up the largest number of people at any given time- not that I fault them for seeking warmth or anything- just merely an observation. But I digress. As the doors opened and we all filed by the security officers at the door I found my way to the information desk with my letter of introduction in hand and a big smile (my excitement would not be contained) I asked the kind lady behind the desk just what it was I would need to do to view the manuscripts housed here. As she read through the laundry list of things that I would need it dawned on me that my drivers license was back in the hotel (in my defense I had my passport and student id) lucky me that I found a crappy hotel so near the library—it more than made up for the cigarette burns in the curtains and the shower in the hallway that sprays the ceiling more than me (more on that at another time) so off I went dashing back to the hotel trying to beat the rain I knew was coming, ran up two flights of stairs, because there is no lift in the hotel. Grabbed my Missouri DL and dashed back to the library. Where I was promptly directed to the pass office. Where I filled out the online form for the pass that would allow me to begin my treasure hunt. As yet another polite lady called me to her desk to process my application and I proudly handed her my letter of introduction and PROPER identification she looked at me and said oh dear your addresses do not match—PANIC oh crap what to do what to say, if you know me at all you know that I suck at lying and I mean I SUUUUCCCKKK at lying but I gave it a go it went something like this
ME: Oh I just moved that is my new address sorry
Lady: (flipping over my id)- well then I’m confused – this is dated January 2008. (Damn my social conscious I had signed and dated the organ donor portion of my license)
ME: Oh Umm Umm (sweat is not coming from pores I haven’t used since I was 10 and tried to lie to my grandfather.) Oh no that means that I didn’t bring the right one
Lady: well I am sorry we need something with your current address-like a utility bill or credit card statement- (yes because when I was packing I made sure to grab this months bills) we won’t be able to issue a pass.
I don’t know if it was the tears welling up in my eyes or the look of morbid panic that leapt to my face that caused her to take mercy on the stupid American girl who was now looking at 4 days in London with no way to get to the documents that she needed. She made a call and they granted me a ONE-DAY pass.
Now I don’t know how many of you have ever done archival research but it was over ambitious of me to think that in 5 days I could locate (not view everything-just locate) half of what I will eventually need for this research to be complete, and thanks to being snowed in at Chicago I had already lost a day) But I took it and RAN did not WALK but yes RAN boys and girls! I wasn’t going to risk anyone having second thoughts.
My next step was the coat check – they do not allow you to bring anything other than your laptop, paper and pencil into any of the “Reading Rooms” To be quite honest I believe it is easier to get into Ft. Knox than the British Library. So I checked my coat and bags filled the clear plastic bag that I was handed with my tools and off I went
As I walked into the Manuscripts reading room I again had to show id and my pass have my computer searched and my folder with my papers. (FYI they did this every time I left and came back) I headed straight to the information desk as I now only had 7 precious hours to locate all that I could-I threw myself on the mercy of the archivist, who after hearing that I was not only an undergraduate but that I had never done anything like this before AND I only had one day to do it in. Shook his head and looked at me as if I was mad as a hatter. Took me to a computer and said well here is where you search the manuscripts-here is are the massive volumes of what is not listed on the computer and oh by the way you will NEVER get this done.
Wishing that I had time to find a quite corner and burst into tears I got started and one by one found documents that I would need to take a look at. Next came the lesson on how to request a document- I filled out the card (in pencil they will toss it if you use pen-thankfully I remembered that I was not supposed to even have a pen) then you wait and wait and of course wait some more- finally they bring you what you have requested. As I carefully pried open the covers and gazed upon the words written by 16th Century England’s greatest minds I found myself once again fighting back the tears- no longer being overwhelmed by the task ahead of me but in awe that I held in my had something that they had held in theirs- these were their words in their own hand writing! Yes I know this now moves me from geek status to super geek status but I gladly go it was AMAZING! I then inquired as to how to have them copied – they do not allow photographing of documents- I was then directed to an online form – they kind man who held back the howling laughter I knew was bursting to get out- helped me to figure out what the least costly way was to get at least the most important documents for this leg of my trip. I quickly found out why they do not all cameras- I just spent 200 dollars on digital copies of documents and that is only TWO of the hundreds that I will need before this is all said and done. My pass has now expired and I am across the street in a British chain restaurant/pub having dinner, people watching and planning my next move as I am in London till the 15th then on to Scotland.
In a side note: London is filled with GORGOUS men ~ it doesn’t matter if the sign on the door says Authentic Irish Pub – you still have to explain how to make a half and half (for the rest of you it is a pint of half Smithwicks and half Guinness and after the day I have had I am on my second) ~ I will be going back to the British Library tomorrow just to take pictures because even though I am now bared from the inner sanctum it is a seriously cool place!!
Cheers for now more tomorrow

London Calling

Ok so here it is Wednesday January 7th-2 days before my scheduled departure! And I am COMPLETLEY FREAKING OUT!!!!!!
I have my copy of Conyers Read's Bibliography of British History: the Tudor Period in hand, there are even post-it flags on the pages to identify all the documents that I need to locate-it actually looks like a rainbow is trying to escape the book since I used a different colour to identify the papers of each individual (green for Mary Queen of Scots, Pink for Elizabeth I and so on)
I have pulled out my suitcases folded all my socks and undergarments so that they can be neatly tucked in the space bag and packed away-all my fun scarves and mittens (I hear it's a bit chilly in Jolly Ole England this time of year)
I have extra batteries for my camera and 5 GB worth of memory cards -I really hope that will be enough because I haven't figured out how to use the cord to move my photos to my laptop and they won't let me carry my printer on the plane (GEEZ)
The extra notebooks, cards, pencils, post-its, and microphone for my laptop are all gathered and ready to be packed.
My carry on has a toothbrush and toothpaste (just in case) and all my textbooks that I still have to read before I get back.
Sounds like things are moving along smoothly right?? WRONG!
I have been waiting on the university to release my funding for this trip-I have a research grant, because lets face it in these economic times unless you are independently wealthy (or mommy and daddy are footing the bill) travel to Europe is more than just a mere luxury right now. So monies that I should have had 4 days ago have yet to be released.
What does this mean you may be asking yourself- ok so maybe not but you know I am going to tell you anyway.
1. It means I have not purchased my ticket – in watching the air fares at this point the only ticket that will still be in my budget means that I have a 12 ½ hour lay over in Toronto Canada- I am not a fan of the airport there I ALWAYS GET LOST and last time the sent me to the wrong gate and I missed my flight and had to spend the night in the airport –which by the way reminded me of a military aircraft hanger and was every bit as draftee, cold and uncomfortable.
2. It means that all the last minute shopping I have to do to get clothing for my trip (no this is not part of the grant money –but my student loan money which is being released at the same time) Why not take what is in my closet you ask…because NOTHING FITS I have gone up 2 sizes since I quit smoking almost 3 months ago. Ok so I have gained a bit of weight but let me reiterate I QUIT SMOKING after 30+ years!!!!
3. I still have to book a place to stay in London oh and by the way I have no idea where a good place to stay in London is that is affordable because the professors that are my mentors for this project are in Egypt STILL and I don't know what areas of London are safe and where the British Library is in regards to other areas of the city.
In other words I am freaking out!!!!
Now the sane person might say … (and has) why not just postpone your trip!
Wellllllllll because I have to present my findings on April 10th – I have already made arrangements to miss the first two weeks of classes which will be much easier than trying to miss the middle and make up exams.
So come hell or high water (where did that saying come from anyway) I will be on my way to London this Friday – and I will be blogging as often as possible from the United Kingdom